


Kevin Barr is a Hoe

by Qu33rios



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Drunk Edd, Drunk Kevin, FTM, FTM EDD, Idiots in Love, KevEdd - Freeform, M/M, Secrets, Trans, Trans Edd, butt buddies with a twist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-06-12 19:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15347562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qu33rios/pseuds/Qu33rios
Summary: I know Kevin Barr's secret. He knows mine.I'm unsure which is worse.While engulfed in my existential crisis, I'm unaware that the devil himself has presented his human form to me. "Edd?" The sound of his voice ignites my body and goosebumps dance down my spine. He whispers, careful of our surroundings, "I can't say this without sounding weird..." He chuckles a little, flashing his teeth before biting his lips to repress anxiety. His eyes maneuver back and forth between me and classmates passing by. "Can I uh, um, can I have sex with you again? Um, please?" My eyes are wide open, I'm expecting him to laugh, to explain he is joking, to reveal Ashton Kutcher and the cast of Punked ready for a reboot in the bushes behind me, but no, he is serious. My instincts tell me to say yes. I still don't know which is worse.FTM Trans!Edd x KevinMature (17+)BoyxBoyALL TRANSGENDER, GENDER NONCONFORMING, AND GENDER NON BINARY PEOPLE ARE VALID OF LOVE, KINDNESS, AND RESPECT.THEY DESERVE TO BE RECOGNIZED AS THE GENDER THEY IDENTIFY AS, WITH OTHERS ADDRESSING THEM WITH APPROPRIATE TITLES, NAMES, AND CORRESPONDING PRONOUNS.





	1. Why Kevin Barr is politely asking me for sex outside of Chemistry?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: There are surprising many fanfics with Edd being trans and I am so excited to continue this fic. I'm hoping it grows, please leave feedback telling me what you think.
> 
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There are surprising many fanfics with Edd being trans and I am so excited to continue this fic. I'm hoping it grows, please leave feedback telling me what you think.
> 
> 1/13/19 Update with some fixes to formatting, grammar, and spelling.

 

Nazz's specialty will always be planning events. She loves decorating and executing her magnificent ideas. Since middle school she has been throwing parties that have only grown more elegant throughout time. Her favorite parties usually coincides with holidays. Nazz could make an event out of anything. For example, she hosted a social mixer for Groundhog Day two years ago. She was and has always been and will continue to be excellent.

I've told her repetitively she must consider event planning as a career. Through time, in her eyes my suggestion has evolved from a joke into an honest consideration. I became her assistant for her larger gatherings, not that I wanted to, however Nazz is delightful and always will be. She would ask me for advising regarding color schemes, themes overall, entertainment, refreshments, the works. Our friendship truly hit it off through our desire to organize and be successful in what we do.

Approaching our senior year, she continued with her expertise and invited our entire graduating class to a pre-school year get together as a congratulatory celebration with a Fourth of July twist. Although the themes were a little jumbled together, her taste in decorations were exquisite. The only time of year our city would ignite with sparks she thought we could begin our final year with a "bang." Again, creative, organized, and exquisite. She requested assistance from her dearest friends to help set up. As her assistant, I knew I had to arrive early so we could relax before guests. Eddy, her current romantic interest arrived when I did. He demanded I come help, which was ironic considering I was already on my way to her home. I chuckled towards his ignorance, responding back to his text message with enthusiasm. I would get to spend a great few hours with Nazz and one of my best friends. Kevin, her past lover and  **ex-fiance**  came about an hour late. She scoffed, but his punctuality did not surprise her and furthermore did not make her love him any less.

Nazz and Kevin have a complicated bond. Since their breakup, tension among us all had been quite elevated. But almost magically, time together was never engulfed with a negative aura. They spent four years in a serious relationship, he proposed to her Junior year right as they won Prom King and Queen for our class. Elated, she agreed, and our entire class and the previous seniors were sure they would be high school sweethearts. Two weeks after, they ceased romantic ties. There are theories, but the truth is buried under their forced friendship and mediocre acting.

Nazz refused to speak about it with anyone, including her non-blood sister, Marie. In French after our final, Marie attempted to get information from Nat, Kevin's best mate, but even he was at a loss for what occurred. We were perplexed, wondering why Peach Creek High's voted best couple suddenly needed a tear in the superlatives of our year book.

No one knew.

Many horrible rumors spread following their breakup. Some blamed Kevin, saying he cheated on her, or got her pregnant. Others thought the fault was Nazz, she was too controlling, slutty, some went as far as claiming she got an abortion without Kevin knowing. These claims were concerning, and more were always popping up.

Nazz has always conducted herself well with others and has portrayed her gigantic heart. Many are jealous of her, especially what she had with her man. She wasn't a stereotypical high school cheer leader, although when provoked she did have quite the attitude. Kevin on the other had was feared by many students. Not too many said poorly of him while his teammates had ears listening throughout campus.

Rumors rage and infect the student body like diseases. Most were directed at Nazz for her inability to incite fear. However, if Kevin, Nat, Eddy, or Rolf heard someone speaking poorly of her, threats would be exchanged. Ed and I would always grumble with disapproval but disassociate. I am very scrawny, without much muscle mass and I can be thrown quite the distance. Ed is very large, brawny, but with little temper and a very gullible, loving personality he avoided fights.

One claimed Nazz was actually a lesbian in hiding and she was hooking up with Marie. Another claimed Kevin tried to initiate a polygamous sexual encounter and Nazz wouldn't tolerate the shenanigans. A few freshman band students began writing small tunes about their failure, adding the rumors along. I went and told Eddy the minute I heard one sing Kevin was a beater and Nazz was an addict, and their love was torn in two by selfishness. Guilt trailed my blood watching him hurt the students, he got suspended, but he was protecting the one's he loved and deep down I knew I was too. In my gut, I knew these were all lies. I knew them both well. Neither would cheat, and from Nazz's complaints her sexual encounters had been one to none months at a time. Kevin had a past of violence, anger, bullying, yet having matured into the man he is today, the probability of his personality affecting their relationship is slim to none. Nazz never showed behavior similar to drug use besides caffeine, but a cup of coffee in the mornings is not eligible for the death penalty.

I'm not a person prone to mischief, but the sudden fall out was one of complete phenomenon and my brain was eager to solve the scientific anomaly. 

The rumors became worse when Eddy got involved.

Eddy and Kevin, pure nemesis to one another, evolved to pals almost overnight. Eddy wouldn't tell me how or why.

 _Mysterious_. There had to be foul play.

The musical Crusades circa early June led to an uproar in the public during our final days of school. People claimed Eddy was the homewrecker, not Marie. They went as far as claiming he found out that Nazz was pregnant and had an abortion and blackmailed them, forcing the two to separate or else their parents would be notified.

 _Preposterous_. Eddy was a scam artist, but not evil.

All through the end of junior year, gossip soared. Now, Nazz was throwing a big gathering for July 4th and I needed to get some form of answer. I assumed this party was a distraction not only for everyone, but also for herself. She spent the past month being the social media trend and she was sick of feeling like a celebrity when she wasn't paid like one.

My height made me perfect for hanging streamers and balloons, Eddy on the other hand, was helping Nazz with food in the kitchen. She bought hummus, salsa, guacamole, and three other dips I couldn't recall. Many bags of chips and bowls were used.

The kitchen she decorated before we arrived so my job was to start and finish the living quarters. I was hanging red white and blue streamers and using a helium tank to let balloons float to the heavens. Many were colorful but blank, a few she had bought were silver and shone in the light, five of these said Congrats!! with little graduate caps and tassels printed on the sides. Nazz forgot to buy a new tank, so this was leftover from the previous party on prom night. Once the helium was gone, I was forced to use my own lungs. Asthma only got me so far with that, so I moved on. Streamers were very intriguing and not as near annoying as the balloons. My form dangled over the doorway as I placed the streamers on the border. Her front door was double wide and high, I had to stand on my toes to reach, which is surprising given I'm close to six foot. I attempted to place the paper in an intricate way rather than outlining the door.

The door opened without warning and I glanced down, petrified at the commotion. Apparently, Kevin doesn't knock or ring the doorbell. Perhaps and old habit he has yet to realize.

He looked me up and down, stopped at my waist to inspect the way my neatly tucked away button up had fallen out side of my pants and a small sliver of skin was revealed. My hips protruded out, as usual.

"Well hey there Double Dork, what are you up to?" He smiled, it wasn't exactly welcoming it, yet it wasn't unfriendly either.

"Um, hanging around." I smiled, awkwardly. My cheeky comment amused him.

"Nice, nice, hey you know your shirt isn't tucked in?" Still glaring at my mid section, Kevin brought up his index finger to gently slide over the bit of skin open to the public.

I squeaked, losing my balance and falling back directly om the floor. Again he smiled at me, still not quite unfriendly, but there was a tad of malice in his eyes telling me he enjoyed watching me fall like an ignoramus. Three balloons exploded under by backside.

"Woah what was that?" Nazz came back into the room, Eddy trailing behind her not even a second after.

With stars in my vision, I could still tell the two had been dipping more than just potato chips. Both disheveled, messy hair, ragged, askew clothes, I made a mental note to avoid the hummus.

Kevin noticed this too, he smiled, nodding to Eddy.

Eddy nodded back, and I wish I knew what was going on! Prior to April Kevin would have mauled Eddy!

"I scared Edd, totally my fault, but then again he shouldn't stand in front of doors." He laughed, reaching out his hand to grab mine. I blushed, feeling less and less like a man by the minute.

Nazz shot back, feisty from the interrupted kitchen hookup and medium to hot salsa. "Well Kev did you knock to warn him?"

"Do I ever knock, Nazz?" He had realized his habits, his question, from his tone, was rhetorical. She snickered, yet still smiling, and walked back to the kitchen, leading Eddy by his wrist.

"Do you need me to hold you?" He asked suddenly, I flushed pink, looking all over for some explanation of his offer.

My anxiety pooled in my stomach and single-handedly shut down my entire nervous system. I stuttered, spasm were routine with lack of verbal control. "I, um, oh, eh, I, uh, you see, um, what?"

He giggled back at me, playfully like parent talking to a child, again evaluating my person head to toe. "Are you practicing your alphabet?" He mocked me, but I was helpless to defending myself. My face flushed red not for the last time that night. "You're such a nerd. Do you want me to hold you so you don't fall as you put those up?"

Embarrassment replaced oxygen. "Oh, um... No I should be fine, can you help me decorate the stairs?"

His eyelashes bat heavily as he blinked, again searching me for something. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but his eyes wouldn't leave mine. I was shaking, fiddling with the streamer roll in one hand and rubbing my outer thigh with my other. He saw my nervous acts, and ended my misery. "Edd I'm waiting for you to give me the streamers."

I shut my eyes, feeling the heat rise once more. "Oh, right.”

That night, Nazz threw one of the largest parties she had ever thrown. The attendee count was well past one hundred and fifty. People were too close for comfort, and my lack of desire to drink meant I was stuck upstairs in Nazz's room with a book in hand. This happened often. My anxiety would keep me from the party I helped piece together, sometimes Nazz would come check on me, but most of the time she began drinking and I saw no one for the whole night. People were respectful, usually if someone came in they left immediately. She did have signs on the bathrooms, so any explorers were just nosy.

That night, Kevin Barr neglected to knock again and waddled in, shutting the door with his foot. I glanced up from my book, but I was surprised to see him and not Nazz. My mates knew not to check on me, I was fine in solitude and if they were up with me that meant they were missing the event. "Hey, this party is lame, not that we didn't do a great job and Nazz did wonderful, but I'm not feeling it. I tried to shot gun a beer but I coughed it up right as I started, pathetic right?"

"If you call it such Kevin." Reading was still my goal, he would disappear soon anyways.

"Hey do you want to know what happened?" My eyes opened and suddenly the book fell from my fingertips. He smiled, knowing how to catch my attention. I nodded, of course I desired answers. "Rad." He said after a minute of silence. "Would you share a drink with me? Not sure I can tell this sober, but I don't want to get smashed."

 **That night** , I drank for the first time in a place other than Ed's basement. I despised alcohol but would give into peer pressure in scenarios where I was safe. For the sake of getting information, I felt safer in Nazz's room than any other part in the house. Kevin returned with a stolen bottle of vodka, two glasses, and V8 fruit punch. I appreciated his willingness to treat me with class rather than a drinking buddy.  "The drink is vegan and gluten free, if that matters." He snorted sarcastically, but I knew he was playing around, it very well did matter, he knew so.

 **That night,**  Kevin and I shared uncomfortable information with unpleasing drinks. We talked for a long time, and I learned information that I did not need to know. He locked the door, and told me the truth that no other person knew outside of their trio. I felt special. Kevin disclosed his secret to me with confidence, even though his leg was shaking. His voice did not quiver, he was strong. I was intrigued and validated him, as I would want in his situation.

 **That night** , after a painful hour and a painful few jokes Kevin looked at me with relief and smiled. I smiled back at him in the dim lit room, the atmosphere was good, comfortable. We finished the bottle together and continued talking about all topics that we thought needed to be discussed. It was embarrassing, but I felt almost as close as I was to one of the other Eds. He decided the same and made another joke, this one wasn't painful and sarcastic, yet inquisitive, and very well provocative. "I don't know how we didn't get along, with all we have in common we might as well dated."

 **That night**  I again stared at Kevin with wide eyes, and he matched mine with lust. Alcohol made my limbs weak but I crawled closer to him on Nazz's bed. He did the same. I was sitting in his lap before my consciousness had determined why. My brain was slow and functioning at half of capacity. My body knew what it wanted, and despite malfunctioning, it was my nervous system positively responding to the receptors indicating his gentle caresses on my back. My brain alerted my head to reach forward to share a kiss with his.

 **That night**  our eyes remained locked as a nonverbal consent if such was possible. My nodding and his smile became the only direct communication as he began to work me. When his hands threatened to pull my shirt up, I tensed pushing away. My eyes closed, the consent lost.

"Are you alright?" He asked me, his voice wasn't slurring, yet  he was inebriated, so was I. I shook my head, incapable of expressing. "What is wrong, what can I do?" His honestly was welcoming and I knew his questions were sincere. He was being so good to me. I had trust.

"I'm, I'm..." At this point, my hands fell from his neck and went to sit in my lap. My right hand brushed his crotch accidentally. I blushed cherry red, and he fought a chuckle while his cheeks mimicked mine.  Overpowered by the need to explore, my hand motioned to cup his pelvic region, and as before my eyes glanced to his for approval. He nodded up and down to me, smiling again, it was a wonderful feeling, knowing he understood me as I him. I pressed forward into him, the first truly sexual act I had ever done. He kissed me again, passion resonating off his entire form. Kevin was respectful but eager. I palmed his erection, and I know he felt the need to do the same to me. My world began to fall.

 **That night**  Kevin Barr shoved his hand into my crotch, searching. He broke the embrace of our lips, inquiring himself. "Are you not hard? If you aren't turned on we need to stop Edd." His concern was overwhelming, much like every single aspect of the night and I realized I had no way of escaping truth.

 **That night** , Kevin became the first friend to learn my secret. "I'm transgender." I coughed out, waiting for rage, but instead, he shook off astonishment.

Needing a moment, he stayed silent and I was stationary out of respect and fear. "I would like to have sex with you, Eddward Vincent." His eyes, demanding of touch and needing heat requested my gaze. I gifted him, meeting his orbs with interest, I'm certain my fear was also present in my stare. "Only if you would like to have sex with me too."

 **That night**  I said, "Yes, please Kevin."

 **That night** Kevin worked with my boundaries to pleasure us both.

 **That night,**   **I lost my virginity to Kevin Barr.**

 **That night Kevin Barr lost his, to me.**  

 

So why is Kevin Barr politely asking me for sex outside of Chemistry? It's because of  **that night**.

 

**_ ALL TRANSGENDER, GENDER NONCONFORMING, AND GENDER NON BINARY PEOPLE ARE VALID OF LOVE, KINDNESS, AND RESPECT. _ **

**_THEY DESERVE TO BE RECOGNIZED AS THE GENDER THEY IDENTIFY AS, WITH OTHERS ADDRESSING THEM WITH APPROPRIATE TITLES, NAMES, AND CORRESPONDING PRONOUNS._**   

 


	2. Chemistry with Kevin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Haha guess who is about to be late for work to post this!  
> 1/13/19 Update fixing minor errors
> 
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

I am not one to discuss sex. I am not one to want to think or imagine sex, let alone act in it. As a child, puberty was not a topic I wanted to be forced to engage in a conversation with others. The person I present myself as today is very different than the one who was forced to sit with a room of maturing girls while watching videos on menstruation. Despite knowing I did not want anything to do with what I was viewing; the content being shown to the males had nothing to do with me. Erections and their biological function were not of my concern as a fifth grader, but I plundered why the idea of being placed with the other males on purpose was not as distasteful. But no, they did place us correctly, by our sex. I understood cell division and reproduction quite well, I was very dissatisfied by what I was forced into.

I was so displeased I brought up my feelings to my mother.

Transitioning is not a simple process, especially when you are unaware of what you are. She listened to my rambling about the obscene videos and filed a complaint with my elementary school, neither of my guardians filed a release. She began a lawsuit. Her next step was directing me to a psychiatrist. I spent the entirety of fifth grade in an office, speaking to a man that had assumed my father’s lack of involvement in my life reflected on my desires to present masculine.

Down in the depths of her heart, my mother knew that there was not something right with me. I was unhappy. She could see in my eyes when I returned from school, when I was forced to dress femme for professional gatherings, such as briefing with our lawyer. I believe she didn’t act sooner out of fear her remaining milestone would be forever incomplete. She would never have a daughter to follow her footsteps, looking up to her, admiring her for the strong woman she is.

No doubt I love my mother, her strength is overwhelming, and her mental capacity is inspiring. She motivates me to learn so I may one day surpass her, but I do not admire her in ways she initially wanted.  In sixth grade, my teacher was obsessed with Native American history. We learned about the cultures in depth. She often pulled information from outside sources. I began studying deeper than what the Texas print told us in school, I found myself fascinated with the cultural difference in gender.

My yearning for knowledge allowed me to fluently observe gender in a way much different than what my world let me perceive. My research was never ending. I found myself immersed in German experiments and writings of Sandy Stone.

Knowledge is power. The information I acquired gave me a newfound power that surged through my body, it was enlightening. When months of psychological discussions had done nothing, a few hours of reading through internet text spoke to me.

Excitement was all I felt. The day following, my appointment, I asked my mother to attend with me and she did. The woman was so kind, giving up hours of work to assist me in my psychological dilemma. My father still made his rounds in the US, my mental stability was not his issue if he did not think about it.

I spoke of what I had learned eagerly, ready to be accepted, to be told what I needed to do to finally be happy. I know now for such a smart boy I was so naïve. I did not receive support and a to do list for how to transition. My mother fought tears, doing her best to keep her own selfish desires from dragging me down with her. My psychiatrist was not pleased by my discovery.

“She’s going to need new and stronger medication.” He told my mother. “This isn’t your fault.” Again, he told my mother.

I endured hell for another month. Winter ended, sixth grade returned and my parents won the lawsuit and they decided to have me change school districts. They blamed the educational video for my confusion and confession.

It was new and scary, with towering buildings and 7th and 8th graders. Every corner frightened me. I attended an academy for the academically inclined. My parents thought the technical approach to all subjects would further my understanding of medicine. They weren’t quite wrong, but my lack of desire to attend to the school hindered my education. I was losing focus, anxiety claiming control. Uniforms were enforced, another aspect of the facility that made me uncomfortable. A skirt was the main piece of the ensemble that I could not stand. The blazer was effeminate too, but less embarrassing, demeaning.

I decided to start making decisions for myself when I was sick of being forced.

The girls locker room always smelled like flowers, particularly roses, I assumed that was the favorite scent they shared among their friends. About a month into classes, my physical education course was no longer about the parts of the body, or muscles, or aerobic and anaerobic exercises. Now, was time to physically act. We were not allowed to run in our uniforms. The locker rooms were used for the children to undress and redress in the same disgusting outfit only thirty minutes later. I was surviving. My body felt dirty, no matter if I was surrounded or alone in my room. I would never be happy with the form I was given.

As the warmer Fall months took over, my psychiatrist kept upping my dosage of antidepressants. My father came home less, and my mother disappeared more, thinking I was “returning back to normal.” In the growing heat and humidity, sweat began staining fabric, and an adult made the executive decision that we were to shower before redressing for the next hour.

I refused.

This was a mistake.

The other locker room attendees finished and flocked out the room, they grabbed their towels, ran around, some tried stealing the fabric of others to humiliate them. I would not be a puppet for the entertainment of my classmates. Fifteen minutes passed and I realized I was still in clothing for PE, and I would be late to my applied algebra class. Our teacher came in after me, he reminded me of my psychiatrist. Large, burly, a deep voice, a gigantic nose, and a disgusting sigh of a laugh. He could see I was discomforted and inquired.

Again, a mistake.

I told him everything that was in my mind. My parents, the medication, my gender confusion, the disgust with myself, and the pain I felt from merely existing. Nothing helped, I repeated, I believed I was broken.

“You poor baby,” He cooed, before touching my shoulder. That was all he touched of me with his hands. But I know his eyes did worse.

He forced me to shower or else I would fail and permanently have it on my record. I abided, knowing he watched.

I came home that day and called my mom. She flew in the same night, landing in the depths of the morning. She slammed herself into our front door and frantically searched for me. She found me on the living room floor, coddled between the stairs and couch. She said she would never leave me again. She didn’t. She said she would never abandon my needs. The next day, I stayed home from academy and we researched together. She gave credit to who I thought I was and put me in power.

Two years later and two years into hormone replacement therapy she reenrolled me in public school, per my request and I left homeschooling. We moved west and settled in a small town known as Peach Creek. My father kept our former home, but my parents were not separated. In fact, they were still very much in love. Though in love, business had put out their flame and they treated their relationship just like business too. Although in love, I debated if they were happy.

She began working at Peach Creek Emergency Medical Center as a pediatric nurse. Previously she assisted surgeons, but witnessing my procedure face to face, I think she lost her appetite to operate on anyone ever again. She did not ever talk down on me, but I know my willingness to have the surgery done frightened her. In her mind, she lost her baby girl, and watched her daughter be tore apart before her eyes. I could not deny that. Out of the ashes, her flat-chested son rose.

My mom wanted me to feel safe as myself, with no possible ties to my past. This distant town with new people did the trick. She walked around to our neighbors and we introduced ourselves. I was bewildered to find I wasn’t the only Ed on the block. An amazing series of friendships started.

I planned on keeping my secret until the day I lost my soul.

 For as far as I can remember, I was always extremely uncomfortable around the idea of intercourse. Kevin Barr destroyed this perception I had about myself. He struck it with lightening that was his personality. His kindness, soft touches, sweetness, acted as punches that broke me down until I did not know who I was anymore. I loved each second. He did not once disrespect me or touch me out of place. He did not assault me, as I had been warned would happen when I tried to have sex. He did not injure me besides a few bites of sentimental dedication. Whether or not it was out of real love, in the moment I know it was. I wore them proudly and made sure to avoid turtlenecks while my parents were away. The Eds gawked at them, at my advances. They wanted to know who, but I enjoyed my own little secret that I wasn’t ashamed of.

Lying is a disgusting and horrible disease some people use as an excuse to spread hatred and pain. For me, a white lie would protect myself and the other. “I was too inebriated to know.” They screamed at my answer, my sexual conquest earned me admiration. I did not see Kevin for the rest of July. Briefly I saw his figure at orientation, but I walked forward with my mother and avoided crossing paths. I took my photo ID for Senior year with small pink blotches remaining on my neck from still healing skin cells. I wore the wounds like battle scars and used them to my advantage all the way until they disappeared.

I was not looking for a romantic relationship with Kevin, I assumed the same since he ignored me for a month and a half.

My assumptions were proven wrong the first day of school.

My schedule was perfection, first period was Chemistry and I had it with Marie. She was very unpredictable, but she had been one of my greatest friends since Freshman year. I know she suspects I am trans, but she has never asked or hinted. I love her for that respect. She understands that no matter what interest she has, it is not her information to ask of me. I am completely content with our friendship.

I followed behind Marie, excited about our last first day and about sitting with her for an entire year in my favorite subject. I couldn’t have walked faster without looking like an idiot. Just as I rounded the corner, a hand stopped me in my tracks. I followed the limb to its owner and saw a familiar red head grinning at me. My mind jumped to every single consequence. I panicked. The last students made way into class as the late bell rang. I was late. **_I WAS LATE ON THE FIRST DAY!_**

While engulfed in my existential crisis, I'm unaware that the devil himself has presented his human form to me. "Edd?" The sound of his voice ignites my body and goosebumps dance down my spine. He whispers, careful of our surroundings, "I can't say this without sounding weird..." He chuckles a little, flashing his teeth before biting his bottom lip to repress anxiety. His eyes maneuver back and forth between me and classmates passing by. "Can I uh, um, can I have sex with you again? Um, please?" My eyes are wide open, I'm expecting him to laugh, to explain he is joking, to reveal Ashton Kutcher and the cast of Punked, ready for ANOTHER reboot, in the bushes behind me, but no, he is serious. My instincts tell me to say yes. I still don't know which is worse.

I stand in silence, our teacher walked to the door and saw us. “Are you coming in or having second thoughts?” He laughed and I scurried in. Marie had saved me a seat in the middle of the room on the right side. The seat next to her was also empty. After grabbing a syllabus I hurried to her and sat. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a familiar frame follow me, except he planted in the only remaining seat, next to Marie.

“There we go, I knew this class was full.” Again he chuckled before beginning procedure.

I was completely unfocused. A meteor could not make me pay attention to what the short old man was saying. My mind was fixed to an event that occurred a month and a half ago and to the tall, muscled jock less than six feet away that just told me he wanted it to happen again. I didn’t know why and it ate me alive.

From curiosity, I peered over to him, glancing around Marie. I expected him to have attention to our professor, or the syllabus. Instead, his eyes were gazing right back at mine. We made this eye contact, he smiled. A lack of self-control kept me from fixing my position. I watched him.

A moment passed, and I watched his mouth move, forming silent words. “You…. and me…. afterschool?”

My eyes widened, cheeks flushed, and I rapidly looked to the front of my classroom. Hands shaking, my heartbeat was erratic, I had no idea what to do. To make all of this worse, Kevin never took his eyes off of me.


	3. I let the handsome athlete turn me weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: YES 1:18 AM  
>  1/13/19 Update to correct some errors.  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.  
> Chapter 2: I let the handsome athlete turn me weak

I can only picture the feeling of jumping out of a moving airplane. There’s an overload to all the senses. A peripheral thrill. Many say that in life you should skydive once, I assume it is for the thrill of evading death, but why do so when I know a feeling quite the same?

My heart pounding in my chest, my ears, I can’t hear anything besides the beating and my own thoughts racing. My fingers grip the table out of the terror I’ll float up. My left foot cannot cease tapping the tile ground. My eyes flicker in all directions, searching for help, but I know I’m alone in this. My stomach is rolling with me, the entire world is spinning. I feel snakes flipping back and forth in my digestive tract, I’m nauseated.

Yet in the same moment, I’m entirely electrified. Though I’m anxious I feel excited and in bliss knowing Kevin hasn’t ignored me. Like I’m falling towards the Earth at unimaginable speeds, the last burst of adrenaline, I sense I’m just a few miles from the end.

I suffered Kevin’s eyes on me the entire class period. Fully aware he did not want to injure or terrorize me, I still felt afraid and feared the worst. I spent the end of summer thinking of him, his actions, his quirks. He seemed to turn into a myth where I had the story memorized. A tale I had told several times to the Ed’s, Marie, and myself. Each time I ran through the events, I left out every detail attributing to Kevin. The Ed’s assumed I had an encounter with a young woman. I told Marie as much of the truth as I could, I lost my virginity to a boy. Needless to say, they were all shocked. I ran through the events of the night on a continuous playback loop, thinking if I imagined hard enough, Kevin would appear, and we would get to discuss what had happened.

To no avail, he would not arrive, and I would be left to my thoughts.

Eventually, I began to think I was a ploy in his plot and he would never speak to me again. I thought I had allowed myself to fall for his antics and I had bee used. My deepest fears and secrets running through the mind of a teenage boy with no reason to care for anyone besides himself. I feared for my life.

I knew these thoughts were wrong and I was becoming flustered thinking of the worst situation imaginable. Even though his plan most likely wasn’t to reveal my identity to the entire Peach Creek community, I worried perhaps his absence was my fault. Maybe I scared him off and after rethinking the night himself, he realized I wasn’t worth the effort.

**_Or worse, I worried he didn’t see me as a real male worthy of his affection._ **

These memories of the late nights I spent wrapped in my own mental processes circulated my thoughts while I tried to focus to our teacher. He was speaking gibberish; my mind was too loud.

Marie had made countless attempts to pass me notes, wanting to know what was wrong, but I couldn’t break away from the nightmare I was living. I couldn’t let her know.

Sexuality was another concept I didn’t too often debate. Regarding my own conflicts, I spent more time desperately trying to find where in society to place myself rather than what person to adore. I thought in time, the other aspects of my identity would fall into place. This wasn’t wrong, but I was leaning more towards asexual than gay or straight or anything in-between. I could evaluate an individual’s aesthetic and see if they were attractive, beautiful or desirable, but I lacked the will to romantically involve myself with others. Kevin changed this aspect my myself, and it was frightening.

Marie was cognizant of my sexual desire deficiency; the Ed’s were not so understanding. Eddy lacked the sophistication to comprehend how I perceived quixotic or voluptuous relationships and Ed couldn’t empathize with the sensation. Both were driven by animalistic instincts and testosterone ready for erotic achievement, I, although driven by a fair share of testosterone, did not share their libidos.

The Kanker thought she herself could identify as asexual. Since maturing, she alleged her sisters were heading in an unalike direction, they were growing apart.

This was natural, particularly as we gradually became adults.

When Marie and I first bonded, we would spend nights texting about different themes. With adequate trust, I invited her to spend the night in my home and our friendship begun. Between movies, our conversations only deepened, but I never revealed myself to her. I recall this woman explaining that her sisters found enjoyment in drooling over stars, typically men, and fantasizing about the strangest sexual scenarios. She struggled to fit in with their topics, having been more honest with herself as she grew older.

Although she wouldn’t like to admit it, I believe I replaced the attachment she once had with Lee and May. At some point, she stopped telling them details about her life because she didn’t want to explain herself further, she knew attempting to explain would cost more energy. She discontinued going home and frequently would stay at my house and sleep in our guest bedroom. Her siblings didn’t trouble her much, or even reach out. They were preoccupied with more… important matters.

Ed and May had unprotected sex in Peach Creek Park after seeing a late movie sometime in April.  Ed would rapidly become a father to what they expected to be a little boy. Ultimately, they made the decision to keep the child. Ed had said he wondered if they would have come to a changed consensus if the Planned Parenthood was two hundred miles closer. That comment made me worry for them, but with all the love I knew existed in Ed’s heart, I assumed they would be capable of raising a fine boy. They would joke and call the baby Ed Jr. while taking to May’s uterus. Although a small gesture, his hand in hers and the other on her stomach relieved my anxieties.

Marie was not so pleased, but that’s a story for another time.

The bell rang, signaling that class is over, and I bolted for the door. I feel horrible for leaving Marie without so much as acknowledging her. I can’t help but reassure myself, if she knew, I imagine she would understand, I would have to think of an excuse to tell her later. I could not dare explain the truth. These white lies would definitely be the end of me.

“Wait! Hey Edd!”

Right as I exited the door, I made two sharp left turns. I was hoping to evade him, too many feelings were flooding my veins and I was afraid of losing control. I walked left, right, left dodging people expertly. The hallways resembled a maze, it took me a year and a half to recall where each of the classrooms were. New students and beginning freshman regularly lost their way.

Exactly when I let out the breath of air I was holding in, a familiar voice scared me half to death. “Damn you run fast, ever think of joining track?”

“Oh man!” I jumped back into the wall and away from the person on my left. I swear he came out of the shadows. The warning bell rang, I had three minutes to make it to the other side of campus.

“Okay bad joke? Shit, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Kevin and I were nearly the same height, however with me leaning back on the wall, he towered enough over me to add intimidation in his voice. I observed, Kevin was wearing a blue hoodie and a grey shirt underneath. The hem of his shirt peeked out of the top and lazily danced across his collarbones. Dark navy jeans covered his legs, and black slip on Vans held his feet in place. He didn’t necessarily look out of character. But it was obvious he spent little to no time preparing himself in the morning. Extremely laid back. Even his hair was messily construed, usually it would be shaved and combed but the orange strands drooped over his gaze.

“I, um, you see I uh-” Words escaped me.

“Hey so, I just wanted you to know,” He smiled, his eyes trailed my own form, glancing up and down. “It’s nice seeing you.”

My cheeks flushed, the thrashing against my eardrum only grew stronger. I barely heard the late bell ringing, **_again._**

“Um Kevin I need to get to class.” I couldn’t take the lack of space much longer.  “This is the most important semester of my high school career, I need to ensure the last transcript I send to colleges continues the academic excellence I’ve maintained for the past three years.”

“You’re such a nerd.” The jock grinned, bringing his hand up to my cheek. My eyes flung back and forth to our surroundings, looking for witnesses, but there were none, not even supervisors patrolling. He cupped the side of my face, kneading gently, he pulled forward. Captivated, I let him move me, his own visage gracefully trailed down. With only enough room to fit the width of a pencil, Kevin whispered, “I have weight training sixth, once school gets out, meet me by the locker rooms.”

His breath caressed my skin and the chill traveled down my spine and raked goosebumps through my arms. He gave me a final smirk before letting go and stepping back. Kevin let his eyes inspect my form for a final time. He turned and continued down the hall into the classroom we were directly next to. Walking in, he didn’t look back to me, knowing I was still watching him. The bell rung several minutes ago, and I had a walk before I was close to my next class. I sighed, feeling my heart beat return to a normal rate I looked towards the ceiling.

An hour into senior year and Kevin Barr had already managed to destroy the plan I had been following since ninth grade when I vowed to never let Eddy invade my attendance ever again. Despite that pledge, I let the handsome athlete turn me weak and tardiness is how I would also remember my last first day. I was no longer plummeting through the atmosphere, I had already hit the ground.


	4. You take the breath right out of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 1:33 AM GET WOKE to LATIN music @ THE DEPTHS OF THE MORNING  
> SI TE VAS YO TAMBIÉN ME VOY   
> SI ME DAS YO TAMBIÉN TE DOY   
> MI AMOR   
> BAILAMOS HASTA LAS DIEZ   
> HASTA QUE DUELAN LOS PIES  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

My mind wandered throughout the day. Normally, I would be affixed to the content, ready to explore into the learning. Typically, my instinct was to envelop in the subject and develop studying plans for the semester. Instead, I spent my time in horror of what to expect once the clock passed one fifty in the afternoon. This year seemed to be ahead of me, and I was not appreciative of my current distraction. I felt a parallel back to the days Kevin spent pummeling me into lockers – **_UM_** – I mean pushing, kicking, beating, whichever verb fits. I anxiously tapped at the desk, clicked my pen, bit my fingernails and the surrounding skin, by twelve, I was a mess. My mind kept wandering to what his scheme was, and the fact that he purposely avoided my sight before the designated time only increased my worry and the tension in my stomach.

And by one, I had skipped eating my lunch and the snacks I had brought but instead of hunger I felt zero appetite. Knowing Kevin was expecting me was enough to cause a profound nausea, meeting by a low traffic area did not help. I worried he would be using this as a chance to make another attempt at intercourse.

_Yet, a part of me seemed thrilled the clock only moved forward. What could be the downfall if my suspicions weren’t wrong?_

“UgH!” I made an audible groan in one oh my classes, another behavior out of the ordinary. My cheeks reddened towards the unwanted attention, yet thankfully the teacher did not stop the review of the summer assignment to scold me. The longer my thoughts progressed and the continual effect those thoughts had on my body, I felt more inclined to end whatever Kevin wanted to reignite.

_In literal terms, can a fire reignite if it was never put out?_

It seemed like I was slowly watching the secondhand tick by. Each agonizing pulse striking right into my heart, if I had any pulmonary complications no doubt he would have sent me into a cardiovascular attack. If not him, than my thoughts and the sensations they caused.

When the last bell for the day sounded, I collected my things, realizing I had neglected to obtain a syllabus for my English class, I had misplaced three pens, and I left my student identification card _somewhere._ So distraught, I couldn’t even think of where. Already, I needed to purchase another.

I walked straight to the gym. Dodging the sea of students, my height allowed me to pass through the crowd with ease. Though I was walking the opposite way of most, many stepped aside, intimidated by the status I didn’t realize mattered. Yes, I did look like a senior classman, my appearance gave it away as well as the last graduation where it was announced I was currently in first place for becoming the valedictorian and the newspaper article to summarize the event.

There in no time, I noticed that the door was open. Unusual, I thought but stepped forward anyways. Walking into the men’s locker room is never a comfortable feeling for me, and obviously, neither is using the woman’s, which I hadn’t in years. I know Kevin was unaware of how his destination would make me feel, yet I did the best I could to withhold my fears and move onward. A deep and desperate desire to understand his actions and reasoning for ignoring me after our altercation and then suddenly demanding my attention clouded my judgement.

Expecting to see an influx of various males changing, I was surprised to find the locker room appeared abandoned. The coach’s office was shut and locked with the lights off. Given this was the first day of school, I didn’t expect the room to be so unoccupied as different sports were in preseason over the summer. What was he planning?

“Hey.” The greeting was brief and sudden, resonating off the metal doors from my backside. “It’s lit you’re here, I thought you wouldn’t come.” His smile read a sincerity that was suspicious, untrusting. I questioned myself, why am I here again?

_Deep down, I knew._

I owed myself the same directness he had used, I wouldn’t allow myself to be stepped on or controlled. “Why am I here Kevin, what do you actually want from me?”

He chuckled, sitting down on one of the benches that traveled to each side of the room. “Well, I told you earlier didn’t I?” His white tank top was soaked through with sweat, alerting me that despite being the first day his class wasted no time to get the students into lifting weights. My expression told him my answer, and without needing a reply he felt obligated to further explain himself. “So, this is gonna sound fucked, just going to be honest right there. I’m sorry I didn’t try to talk to you after what happened, happened. Guess I was just confused?”

“How?” I asked, still standing in front of him. He looked uncomfortable with answering, but my need for his response is what led him to explaining. I felt my arms tense, fighting shaking.

Kevin bit his lip, massaging small circles into his shoulder. Perhaps he was stalling. “I didn’t know, how I felt? Like I know we didn’t, uh, I didn’t like, touch you **_there_** ,” despite the careful wording, I felt the sickness in my intestines grow and spread through my vessel, like he was destroying me from the inside. “But, maybe, I guess I **_wanted to_**?” My breathing became harder to control, I clutched my hands onto the strap of my bag, hoping I could gain control before falling victim to an asthma attack. “And I was, confused that, maybe, just maybe, **_I was attracted to women_**?”

His confession made me sick.

Unfamiliar with this special kind of distasteful ignorance, I felt my body began to attack. My fingertips trembled, and the taste of bile crawled up my throat, threatening to spill out. The idea of giving myself to him and thinking he would keep my secrets seemed like a fairy tale, soon my identity would be well known in out community, and I would be unsafe and alone. The migraine in my temples beat to the rhythm of my heart, fast and deadly.

“Shit okay, shit Edd are you alright?” Noticing my ailments, he stood and walked towards me. At the time, I didn’t realize he was concerned, I felt there was malice in his intentions and soon I would be attacked and left to rot. My eyes clamped shut. I was done for.

Frightened for my life, I fell back and tried to scamper away. He had already grabbed ahold of my pant leg and was holding me down. “Hey Double D chill please I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know who I could talk to and no matter how much I searched I didn’t know if this changed who I thought I was!”

Bereavement would have been an understatement of my current state of being. He kept me from escaping. I was expecting to feel his hatred in any second.

“It took time but now I know that you are a guy! And I like you! And, I- I don’t get to decide anything, I appreciate you for who you are and I’m sorry I was afraid to tell you I- doubted. I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

I felt the lights dancing in my vision, panting for air, my lungs kept deflating, but no oxygen would refill. My thoughts rampaged through all the reasons as to why I was imperfect and would never be the individual I desperately wanted to be. The individual he wanted, or that my parents wanted. I was cursed with this body, with this life. Suffering seemed to be eternal.

“When I saw you this morning you looked just as good as you did that same night and I just, it became clear to me that you- uh, I- I just, Edd please, Edd…” He reached down, letting go of my leg to pull me up and into his lap on the floor. I continue to exhale before inhaling, heaving. My eyes were swollen but no tears pumped through to the surface, maybe after a childhood of severe panic attacks my body had exhausted the reservoir.

He held me close to him, an unexpected gesture. His monstrous hands reached around me and pushing my form against his. He cooed to me, but the words were inaudible as the beating of my heart overpowered all over sound hitting my eardrum. I trembled under the pressure of his skin, feeling like I could be crushed whenever he decided.

“You’re okay, I’m here, you’re okay. Fuck.” My breathing wouldn’t return to normal for the next couple of minutes while I rode the attack to the end. Slowly, my chest calmed, and I felt my lungs refill. My entire body was sore after I relapsed, my first panic attack in over six months. Kevin pulled me up to the bench after my composure had been regained. I guessed now that I had gotten my explanation, he desired one as well. Mine wouldn’t be so inflicting of pain. My eyes opened, seeing his expression for the first time since I had collapsed. He kept a hand on me for a reason I’m not sure of. Perhaps he worried I’d fall again.

“If it isn’t obvious, I get anxiety attacks, my psychiatrist found one that simultaneously functioned with my testosterone intake, I- I…” Feeling drained, I trailed off, my thoughts doing the same. Kevin did not talk over me, though he stared with great concern and confusion. I did admire his resilience. “It’s been some time since I felt that overwhelmed, I don’t believe I should pursue this, I think we are both better off by-”

He lunged forward, colliding his lips into mine and interrupting me entirely. My eyes flew open, demonstrating my surprise from his actions. The ginger noticed this, as he too left his eyelids ajar, just enough where I could see his pupils peeking through to observe me. Kevin has an ability to freeze time with his lips, he taught me this superpower of his back a month ago, when he first showed me how to truly feel alive. His grip on my arm did not loosen and he felt entitled to reach his other hand to my face, delicately caressing the left side of my cheeks. Somewhere in the commotion the flesh above my cheekbones heated. When he disconnected us, a familiar string of saliva remained, a feature that only made my face darken. “You take the breath right out of me.”

“Kevin when I told you I had a meeting to go to and you needed to lock up this is not what I had in mind! Great way to start the year Captain Jack-Ass now take your friend and get the hell out!”

The middle-aged man that stood in the doorway made me tense once more, I saw a similar reaction in Kevin’s exterior while he attempted to laugh it off. “Hah sorry coach hah have a great day hah-hah.” Immediately, the jock grabbed his bags and stood. I expected him to walk out, leaving me in the wrath of the football coordinator.

He didn’t.

“Come on Edd I’ll drive you home,” he confessed in the presence of his mentor, giving me the option of grabbing his hand before walking out. I accepted.


	5. I felt no regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi consent is my favorite thing to put in stories when writing any sexual scene feel free to add consent for a total cost of $0 because even in fanfictions consent is important and sexy and establishing the need for consent at some point is sOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO needed thanks this has been my ted talk  
>  1/14/19 Update, minor fixes, I realized somehow I forgot to make Kevin PARK THE CAR.  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.  
> Chapter 4: I felt no regret.

Sitting in his passenger seat felt just as uncomfortable as I predicted it would be. Through the right sided mirror, I could see the terror in my eyes and the anxiety threatening to spill through my mouth. To say I was nauseous would be an understatement.

The tension floating in the air told me he felt similar. Too much was left undiscussed. Kevin drove slowly, just under the speed limit, and I could tell he was contemplating many different thoughts in his head. Observing my surroundings, I watched the jade trees pass by as we drove the long way back, through the mountain range. I knew he had done this on purpose. Kevin cleared his throat, which caught my attention, and my pupils retracted from the astounding flora to his person.

“Um, I wanted to say sorry for earlier.” His voice was shaky, though his smile gave off a sense of confidence, I wondered if it was genuine.

His apology was odd, not that it wasn’t appreciated, however I needed reasoning. “For what in particular?”

As he spoke, the ginger navigated the road, pulling aside to a turnout before a steady decline. “Scaring you like how I did, I didn’t mean to, and I really should have contacted you, I guess I was scared myself…. You don’t deserve the indecisiveness.” Unable to keep eye contact, Kevin’s gaze adverted to the blacktop, watching a singular truck begin the descent.

“Scared enough to take a three-hour detour when we both live less than a half hour away from the school?” My sarcasm made him chuckle, and blush under realizing how he had been caught red handed.

He swallowed hard, looking back to me. “I kept trying to talk to you when there were people around and we kept getting interrupted, I thought this would solve the problem.”

Now I laughed, “You know Kevin, I don’t believe you know what talking actually is.”

“I don’t?” The athlete smirked, his gaze was enticing, and he devoured me. Slowly, he glanced over each of my features, before moving up and taking his hand to my arm, tracing gently in linear movements towards my wrist. “Does being alone help your anxiety?”

I avoided his gaze, looking down and observing the way he motioned his fingers, I guessed he was attempting to calm me. Though a pounding in my chest continued, the overbearing stress was not so apparent, and I was not in as much fear knowing that we were truly alone to discuss without my identity being revealed. Perhaps Kevin is smarter than what he allows people to perceive. Conniving might be a better term.

“I will confess that I do feel better, though I’ll reiterate, I believe you lack an understanding of how a proper conversation should be conducted, whether or not I am anxious, that stands true.”

He shifted in his seat, allowing his right arm to be freed from the weight of his body. Kevin leaned into the diver seat on his right shoulder while his left hand fell next to mine as he attempted to ground himself. His pinky traced over my thumb, a small gesture he knew I noticed because when I glanced back into his orbs he smirked slyly. “Talking is for people who don’t know what they want.” His right hand cupped my neck, he leaned forward, inches away from resting his forward to mine. “I know what I want, do you?” He whispered under his breath. It was gentle, and brushed past my lips, his eyes faltered, threatening to close but he did not move closer. He looked at me, trying to see through me, into my thoughts, my desires.

“I WANT YOU TO WATCH THE ROAD!” I screeched, and Kevin jumped back to driving. He had been driving fifteen miles per hour, yet still too dangerous to be staring away from the street. Kevin decided to pull over at the first dugout, recognizing that death was not an imminent goal for the both of us.

“What else do you want?” He now stated with confidence, looking straight forward and out the windshield.

Truthfully, I did not know how I felt or what I needed, but the intensity of the situation seemed to be pulling me along. _I wanted out of this car._ I felt incapable of deciding what I wanted or needed because any thought I could muster was torn away and I was whisked back to reality where a yearning grew stouter. Kevin saw my hesitation, it was obvious, yet he waited patiently for my action, he had given the bait and was waiting for me to take it.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be baited. Though now he was desperately trying to give me respect, he had other thoughts earlier, those of which I could not remove off my mind. It seemed the closer I would get to forming negative results each stroke of his pinky against my digits reminded me of his presence. The issues of the past meant nothing while he was engaging my form. Eventually, when I knew at least two long, miserable minutes had passed, I recognized I spent them mindlessly debating and considering and debunking. I had reached no conclusion. His fingers began to massage my neck, kneading into the skin. I melted under his touch, I knew I was hooked.

An animalistic instinct was born along with the tension and heat that pooled into my pelvis, I was still unsure of what outcome I needed, I knew that, but the momentary desire I wanted seemed to kick any rational thought from my brain pattern. My neurons fired, hormones became the leading decision makers, I flung forward, closing the distance between us. I must’ve surprised him with a force equivalent to his own. Kevin fell back and his head collided into the driver side window, yet he ignored the pain beside a quick yet deep groan. The snakes toiling in my innards fought the foreign warmth he brought about, I felt dizzy with the same craving he shared. I knew I would never be able to trial Kevin at a fight of testosterone, though he was quick to accept the challenge.

Observation tells me the pain I inflicted only further pushed him to reestablish his role. He fought back, now lunging back into me with a desire to show me his power. Careful to not damage, he grabbed me from underneath. Kevin’s left hand resided under my left thigh and his right clamped to the right side of my rear. Neither of us had shut our eyes since my initiation. He watched in hilarity as my expression contorted in horror while he lifted me up over the center console. I toppled over, breaking the kiss and falling into his shoulder. I watched the muscles under me in his arms contract until I was placed in his lap, the tension in his shoulders fell but between us it only cultivated.

“Fucking shit Edd.” Kevin exhaled, extending his neck to rekindle the kiss, he wasted no time now, and within the first second his tongue dashed across mine, searching for a competition. Our tongues danced, and our lips smacked vociferously, the saliva playing a leading role in the echo through the vehicle. His hands remained on my backside, pushing and pulling against himself. I could feel Kevin’s interest through his movements and through his arousal each time he grinded up towards me.

Losing oxygen, I sucked in air through my nose while doing what I could to entertain his movements. He too was lacking, but the need for release of sexual frustration kept him from needing to breathe. I wish I could say the same, but my asthma had different plans.

One last nip at my bottom lip and I pulled away, desperate to fill my lungs. Kevin took this as an opportunity to latch onto my neck. Immediately his mouth worked the skin, sucking promptly and using his teeth to claim me. I gasped at the pain, clutching onto his forearms and squeezing. I felt his coy smirk against my skin, a gesture that only annoyed me. He was too smug for my liking.

“No-ohh- no hickies!” I demanded between throaty moans. I was a fool to believe he would take me seriously.

He groaned at my comment, resisting the urge to laugh. “Fuck off.” Through his teeth a few chuckles broke through while he announced his response. Kevin continued to bruise my skin, leaving purple and blue blotches outlined by teeth marks for others to observe later. I felt powerless, yet strangely excited. I would admit the idea of the Ed’s again questioning my sexual promiscuity was devious and thrilling. I wondered what it would be like to return the favor, in fact, someday I would and Kevin would be the individual thinking of excuses to match his shame.

We both knew the erotic marks being mentioned publicly would insinuate the need for another session.

When he felt accomplished, Kevin finally let my neck go and I winced under the agony. He observed his masterpiece, looking at it up and down before meeting my regard. “Guess I got carried away.”

He was fully knowledgeable as to what he was doing, his anatomy told me such. Childish as always, playing naïve was his ticket to adding kerosene to the fire.

“When don’t you?” I snapped back, choosing to beat him at his own game. If I could not win in a fight for power, I could use the element of astonishment for manipulation and catch him off guard. “Oh yeah, _never._ ” I rocked my hips towards his, aiming to apply pressure through the layers of cotton. Kevin’s face twisted in sick eagerness.

Kevin smirked, sinking his upper teeth into his lower lip to hold back all the disgusting, stimulating phrases he wanted to say. “Shit.” He shook below me, bucking forward. “I don’t know if I can keep control of myself, you make me feel wild.” I continued my movements grinding into him. Inept verbally, I spread my want through my actions. We were both approaching our limit. “You’re irresistible Edd.” He gasped from the contact, speaking around grunts and profound growls. “Tell me to stop, and I will.”

I smiled back at him, feeling comfort in our actions. “I don’t want to stop.” This much was true. My brain had turned off the portion which felt about the consequences of our actions, instead it was overpowered by a need for sexual relief. “But you need to listen to me when I say no, I mean no, regardless.” We were aware of what the other was capable of doing, and the thought of the possibilities encouraged us to search for the point of reaching the plateau.

“Yeah, that is fair, I accept the terms and conditions of having sex with you Eddward.” Though sarcastic, he delivered a warm and endearing smile mixed with a nervous bite of his bottom lip that told me he understood. My response was the confirmation he needed to remove his pants and mine, still while swapping saliva and messily wrestling in my oral cavity. In minutes, I felt my bottom half being lowered onto his anatomy for the second time now, a feeling I had almost forgotten. Within the first roll of his pelvis my vision blurred, and I called out for another round. We grew noisy, secure, and adventurous in the other’s embrace. Even when the car began rocking the back and forth to Kevin’s rhythm did I stop to consider why I was so open. When the sun set, I did not think about what mother might say when I got home. Never once did it cross my mind why I let this happen. I felt no regret. Instead, I thought how desperation had reached a maximum point, I needed the reoccurring stimulation and I knew he’d give me what I wanted, as I, within reason, would allow him to use me for whatever sick, vehement purpose he wanted.

 


	6. "Tell me you want it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 9/15/18 I have a weight training test Tuesday on all this shit I don’t know and instead of studying I wrote this little thing. It’s totally okay though, I did the math if I get a 0 on this and every single other assignment I can still get a 92%.  
>  1/14/19 Update to fix some BS I wrote bc for some reason chracters could jump sexualities w/o an explanation. 🙃🙃🙃Pls kill me why do I do this shit to myself.🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.  
> Chapter 5: “Tell me you want it.”

_“Tell me you want it.”_

 

Kevin’s demanding voice rang in my ears. These activities were becoming typical occurrences, each time I would find myself being enveloped into the sensations. It was exhilarating, no matter when or where, we had become dedicated to the other.

Over the past few weeks, Kevin had opened my eyes regarding a sense of unfamiliar intimacy. Through my experience with high school, I spent my time listening to Eddy and Ed always discuss their endeavors with women. And when I wasn’t listening to them, after I had told Marie about my first experience, she was inspired to create a Tindr profile and find out for herself. Now, she always pulled me aside to discuss her latest ‘hook up.’ With asexuality a thing of the past, Marie embraced pansexuality. It amazed me that our lives could change so abruptly. In addition, I realized that I had not understood myself as well as I believed to in the past. I felt a greater sense of confusion in how to come out. What would I come out as? Was Kevin the only individual I could feel sexual desire for? What did this mean? What did I even consider myself to be?

These were questions to be answered later.

I never could have imagined myself having a few stories of my own to match my childhood friends. Whether or not I would let these stories get out was another question, despite how each time Eddy or Ed noticed a new blemish, they craved to understand. A sick portion of me thought their desire to know was a fuel for my behavior. I was interesting, it felt good to be interesting, and even better, it felt great having the experiences that made me feel interesting.

 

_“I do want it.”_

 

Kevin’s fingertips memorized the crevices of my form, knowing what spots were tantalizing, which areas would immediately stimulate the skin beneath. Each stroke of his hands caused electrical impulses to flood through my veins, resting in the base of my stomach. Though I hadn’t grown necessarily comfortable with my body, Kevin’s touch made me shake for more, and his voice melted my skin and bones into an obedient jelly. Perhaps it was his respect that won me over.

This had started hours before. Kevin was a devious master at planning these situations. He had not fear if he was positive we wouldn’t be caught. This meant often we found ourselves taking bathroom breaks during the same time. We ironically, needed to check out a library book on the same topic that just so happened to be in the back.

During our lunch, he decided to call Marie and I over to his table with Nat, Nazz, and Eddy. Kevin hadn’t told the two I was aware of the truth behind the drama. After Marie left the lunch line, she came for me, awkwardly scooting next to Nazz and Eddy. The majority of us had been acquaintances, sitting together for a meal wasn’t typical and Marie was certainly skeptical. She eyed me up and down, checking for clues, or for an illness, she was positive I wasn’t acting myself as of late. She was right. It was an uncomfortable scenario, yet I soon learned his motives.

Kevin noticed her eyes looking for an explanation and decided to try his hand at distractions.

“Hey Eddy, if you had to fuck, kill, and marry one of your teachers, who would be who?” I glanced up at him with confusion, now I was wanting a reason for his behavior. He winked at me from the corner of his eye, smiling.

Marie’s attention had been stolen by Eddy’s response. “I’d probably kill Mr. Barry, he’s a fucker. I’d definitely fuck Mrs. Adams, and then –”

“Wait you’d do what to Mrs. Adams?” Nazz had a raised tone in her question, she moved away from Eddy in a heartbeat, bumping into Marie, almost knocking her to the ground.

Nat chimed in, “I’d fuck her too,”

Nazz’s mouth opened wide with annoyance. Marie couldn’t help but play along.

Obviously still bothered with her best friend telling her nothing regarding her sudden change of relationship, Marie spoke up, “What Nazz? You mean you don’t totally get soaked when the bell for biology rings?”

“She’s my aunt!” Nazz scoffed, “You all are disgusting!”

The other four argued over pathetic topics, though Kevin made it his job to cause tension among us, Nat usually initiated these. He enjoys watching the bickering from the sidelines. In a way, the two best friends were devious together. Though I was sure Nat knew nothing about my agreement with Kevin, he played an important part in distracting the group.

The three of us sat on one side of the picnic table, my blue haired friend on the other side with the dysfunctional couple. Kevin’s left hand fell to my lap, rubbing small circles in my inner thighs. My widened eyes told him my surprise and he responded with a sly smirk. Not one of the others caught on to Kevin’s schemes. Thirty minutes of his torture passed and all I could think about was my desire for him.

Before the bell sounded, Kevin broke away from the pointless conversation to question me, another action that surprised me. “Hey what are you doing after school? I think I need help with Chemistry.” His wink told me that in a way, he wasn’t lying. Across the table, I saw Marie raise and eyebrow towards me. I could not answer. Though I’m sure my darkened cheeks gave away a few hints. When the high pitch ringing shook the school, I nodded back to Kevin. He bit his lip, as he always did when nervous, narrowing his eyes and standing to leave. My fellow classmates stood to leave as well, a signal that told me I needed to awkwardly walk on to my next class and struggle to pay any attention.

Hours later, Kevin drove us back to the Cul-de-sac and rammed me against the wall as soon as the door had closed. Many wet and sloppy kisses later, he carried me up his stairs, to his bedroom and threw me down. Though playful as ever, Kevin did not mess around.

I panted, sick sounds escaping passed my dry lips, he was evil, and he knew it. “Fuck you’re such a hot Dork.” He chuckled, hot breaths against my cheeks. Kevin typically would lead these situations, save for the few I initiated. He ultimately would take over, letting his dominant personality rule over me. Next to damaging the skin of my neck, Kevin adored grinding his hips into my pelvis.

“ _Tell me you want my dick Eddward.”_

His vulgarity was sickening and invigorating. Evidently, we knew my answer, yet having knowledge of what he did to me was not satisfactory, each time he needed to hear it. And each time I struggled to audibly express what I needed from him, he had no trouble forcing the diction out of me.

Each rock of his lower half into mine he made sure to tease me with the exact organ that demanded attention. Kevin sure was challenging.

_“I want you, Ke-Kevin.”_

The statement was not good enough, and he was not afraid of telling me.

 _“No. You don’t get it until you tell me word-for-word what you want.”_ Kevin smirked, gripping my sides and pulling me into his lower half.

_“I need you to enter me-”_

_“Nope, try again”_

Kevin’s goal was to incite anger. His head found refuge in the nape of my neck while hands trailed down my sides, though we had an agreement to not remove my top layer of clothing, hips fingertips threatened the contract, dipping under the fabric. His nails scratched against my skin, and I shivered under the gestures. While inciting goosebumps, He continued to grind his manhood against my leg, reminding me of all the reasons why I was losing breath. The erotic turmoil pooled, he was trying to push me over the edge, and it worked.

_“OoOkay! Oookay! Kevin please, I want your- cock.”_

Following my confession, the athlete brought his arms back down to hover over my person. His expression was riddled with desire, cheeks flushed pink and lips quivering. _“Say it again.”_

A new fire erupted in the base of my chest, fueled with testosterone, I leaned forward and pushed back, crawling on top of his own lap. _“I want you to fuck me with your cock.”_

Kevin’s mouth curled into a smile, licking his lips and looking up towards the ceiling. Under me, I felt a distinct twitch letting me know of the resulting cause. Watching his expression was enough of a reward for losing my manners.

 

It always was.

 

Once on top, I took control and grinded below while fiddling with the hem of his sweatpants. His upper teeth latched onto his lower lip and his hands grabbed onto my backside. He exhaled, _“Shit Edd, the only thing that gets me through each day is you and your ass.”_

Strangely, his comment was validating. Kevin bent down to me and whisked me away for another passionate embrace of our lips. I could only feel at home.

 

_Yet at the same time I couldn’t help but feel like they’re should’ve been more._


	7. Coming out is scary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 10/22/18 hi ya’ll I survived midterms LMAO the theme for this chapter is going to be Trouble by Cage the Elephant.
> 
> 1/14/19 Update to fix some minor errors
> 
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.
> 
> Chapter 6: Coming out is scary

It did not take long for me to recognize Kevin’s infatuation with sex. He seemed to lack a certain self-control that would keep people from behaving in such frivolous ways in public. Regardless of the time of day, weather, or place, Kevin’s arousal would direct him. Typically, if I was around he would seek release through me, and if I wasn’t in the vicinity, then I could expect a text. Perhaps he enjoyed voyeurism more than I wanted to realize.

I lost track of the places where we had sexual contact, a fact which made me uncomfortable. Bathroom stalls, his car, change rooms, his room, the school, my room, under the bleachers after winning a home game, the movie theater… the list was endless. In the past, germs, bacteria and other pathogens were my Achilles heel, a phobia that through time had lessened, yet had not completely dwindled. Kevin pushed me past where I thought I was comfortable, though he was very receptive of when I was not wanting to engage. However, this did not happen often. Kevin was so enticing I would usually give in no matter where or when. I felt like a new being, someone I wasn’t quite familiar with. My changes in personality and actions were new and concerning, yet not always negative. He was attractive, and quite seductive, I never once felt disdain or regret in one of our interactions. I adored my ability to relax with Kevin, knowing he knew my truth and was accepting was a dream come true. Not to mention, but he relieved an enormous amount of stress. Yet I was growing exhausted. I just wanted to feel different.

Sneaking around is certainly thrilling, however after two months, I was wondering what I was even doing. I had let my entire guard down and nearly watched on the sidelines as my morals were annihilated. To say I was angry didn’t quite express how I felt. It was fair to say I was very frustrated.

Since Nazz’s gathering, it had been close to four months since Kevin and I began our shenanigans. Perhaps I was growing tired of having to skip ten minutes of fifth period every Friday for a quick make our session. Or it could be I was weary of Kevin pulling me behind a wall out of sight when he had the chance. Hooking up in his car was growing old, especially since it always turned into minimum, a three-hour journey up the mountain.

Did I want to be out in the open? Not necessarily, getting ridicule from Eddy and being the talk of the rest of the school wasn’t exactly how I wanted to live the rest of my senior year. However, hiding was growing harder and harder. Unfortunately for my case, veiling was not the only aspect of our relationship growing harder.

Though Kevin was still getting off from the risky behavior and meaningless conversations about our daily life, the only thought coursing through my brain was guilt. All this time we had been sneaking around, I hadn’t so much said a word to Marie that I had found someone, let alone another male. She had been aware of the first encounter, yet I had kept hidden all other experiences. I felt trapped in a secret that wasn’t mine to tell.

Outing Kevin would only make how I felt worse, especially since the equivalence of outing him would be revealing my secret. Neither sounded virtuous, yet no matter how I looked at the situation, I felt Marie deserved to know why I was being so secretive.

 

This had all started **_that night_**.

 

Before we had sex for the first time, we had a timely conversation about why exactly he and Nazz suddenly called off their relationship about as fast as they got engaged. When speaking of their connection, he did not have many good things to say, besides that Nazz was a doll, as long as she wasn’t expecting any kind of love of affection. Now having lived through being on Kevin Barr’s radar, I couldn’t blame her. At least they were open to the public, a characteristic I’m unsure I’d ever reach with him.

Ultimately, being honest and expressing his truth is what ended their relationship. Kevin confessed it was a mess, she, demanding of sexual intimacy reacted painfully when he rejected her for the last time. Engagement did not change his feelings, which he hoped they would. Instead, he had a melt down in her arms, articulating the reality behind his sexuality. Nazz told the first soul that she saw, which happened to be Eddy.

Shameful and manipulative as always, Eddy basked in the knowledge of having the upper hand against his childhood bully and the social king of Peach Creek. To keep him from sending a mass email to the entire school population, Nazz promised she’d go on a couple of dates. Eddy kept his mouth shut, and Kevin kept his dignity.

I could not be the individual to tear apart the lie he created. I couldn’t be honest without ruining him. I did not want to hurt him, but then at the same time I didn’t want to sit in silence and suffer. Lying is not only tiring but painful, as is sex every other day, I was rubbed raw and reeling.

“Hey,” Kevin touched me on the shoulder, startling me. I jumped at his gesture, not from fear, but because he surprised me. “Woah sorry, in deep thought?”

I smiled at him, closing my notebook, he sat on the grass beside me. “Maybe a few.”

“Well I want to ask what’s on your mind?” His inviting grin told me that I could start this conversation without risking what Marie would have called ‘emotional suicide.’ “But I have a more important question, what are you doing the night of winter formal?”

Widening my eyes, I found getting the words out did not become any less challenging. Nervous snakes rolled in my stomach, and the anxiety pumped in my chest. His question sent a variety of emotions through my head, each listing a series of positive and negative aspects of all that I wanted to tell him. His open smile kept my heart thumping, I feared the worst. On the other hand, what did he just ask? If I heard correctly, wouldn’t this mean… “Kevin I-”

“Well good afternoon to you two! Look who I just found in the supply closet!” From above, Kevin and I glanced up to Marie, awkwardly holding the wrists of Nat and James. “Guess what I just found out!”

The disturbance was loud and annoying. I love Marie, but she just had the **_best_** timing. Both of the boys she held look beyond frustrated with her antics. I hoped in the commotion, she would neglect to notice my pink cheeks.

“That being outed sucks?” James scoffed, rolling his eyes at my best friend. I had James in a few of my classes, we were both quiet and hadn’t talked before. As uncomfortable as he looked, at least I could sympathize.

Kevin and I looked back and forth before directing our attention to the trio standing before us. Unsure of what he meant, we didn’t speak.

“Or being ripped from a dark utility closet mid make-out isn’t precisely on my bucket list?” Nat snapped back, pulling his hand back. Nat had liked Rave for the longest time, according to Kevin anyways. James always seemed uninterested, and now I knew why.

 

_Coming out is scary._

 

Nat sat first, Rave followed, Marie plopped onto the ground and used my lap as a headrest. Kevin’s gaze searched for answers, but I shrugged. There was no way I could bring the conversation up now, he would have to wait for an answer.

“Hey I think hooking up in a closet is just an insult. No one should have to go through that just to be in love.” Marie wasn’t wrong, though the others had something to say.

“Actually, making someone admit something they aren’t ready to is fucked up.” After Nat finished, Rave high-fived him. Marie rolled her eyes. I recognized they too had a point. Rave was a year younger than us, a junior. Any rumors spread would follow him until the day he walked, maybe even after.

“Yeah Marie, that is fucked.” Kevin stood. “If it isn’t your business then don’t get fucking involved.” He walked away without even glancing back to me. The reptiles and avians in my stomach continued to wrestle and my nausea climbed through my form. I felt pale with only one question flying through my mind. What would Kevin say when I told him how I felt?

 


	8. So weak when you're around me..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 12/27/18 Yo its 2 AM and my semester ended and I got all A’s this calls for celebration! Here’s a Halloween chapter get ready in another two months we’ll get a Christmas special. LMAO. This will be inspired by blackbear’s acoustic song Weak When ur Around.
> 
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

 

 _Give it a rest, my love_  
Let's take this slow  
We both need some room to breathe  
And if you know what's best for you and me  
You should leave, baby

 

Thunderous noise shook the house in its entirety. The Cul-de-sac was flooded with cars and trucks of all sizes and shapes. The small kickback that had been briefly introduced among a few students erupted into an all-out Halloween celebration. Outside, a small group sat on the patio each with a solo cup and a cell phone. Flashing lights indicated they were taking photos. Photo after photo… after photo… I debated if entering was worth my life. The windows told outsiders teens and young adults filled Eddy’s living room, shaking and intermingling next to one another. Despite the sea of creatures all contorting in their costumes, some practical, others obnoxious and some suggestive, I could only see one individual.

When I walked through the doors, sensory overload was inevitable. Loud music thumped in the walls and mixed with my anxiety beneath my skin, I could feel the waves bounce off and through my chest. Alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana stung the inside of my nose. I took note of a layered smoke cloud that rose to the ceiling, next was the alcohol and red cups spread throughout the living room. Though it wasn’t as large as some of Nazz’s gatherings, at least fifty people struggled to maneuver through the walls. As I moved through the crowd I saw Eddy near the kitchen, standing next to Nathan. They challenged each other at shot-gunning a beer, and I knew it was a lost cause to make contact. Instead, I followed my instinct, deciding I could mingle with them at a later time.

Eddy’s parents had decided to take his young cousins to a church event in the next city over, therefore they would be staying at the Aunt’s, leaving Eddy an empty house to host what they referred to as a ‘little shin dig.’ The sudden information had allowed him to throw together the best make shift rager he could. Thankfully, for the sake of kids within the area of the Cul-de-sac, no child under 13 walked the streets that night. In fact, the only individuals of that age to even exist on the street were Sarah and Jimmy, who stayed up all night, at home, and watching streamed scary movies. Thankfully, they were safe.

Eddy had told me about this event an hour before it was supposed to occur. I had not necessarily prepared myself for attending. Knowing this was not a gathering in Nazz’s control frightened me. She made sure activities did not surpass certain boundaries, mainly regarding (most) sexual acts or drug use. Furthermore, I was generally allowed a safe zone (usually) free of attendees in case I became too overwhelmed. Yet with Eddy? I had no safety. In fact, I felt the outing would be hazardous. In the same sense, if I did not at least show up, he would still find a way to make me feel the same discomfort I would have felt at the party. Either with complaints, pranks, or worse. I had no choice.

Kevin did not text me back. I sent him a message the second Eddy told me, asking if I could expect his presence. The last I had seen of him had been with Marie earlier in the day. He appeared so aggravated, I feared I would have to do this alone. I also worried Kevin was somehow angry with me. Though I hadn’t said a single word regarding my true feelings, I worried he had already read my mind. I experienced guilt.

My parents considered contacting local authorities not even an hour and a half after the party begun. I convinced them not to, and that I would say something to Eddy. It was loud, rambunctious, and the streets were flooded with vehicles looking for parking and a few stragglers in cars looking for houses with potential candy. Once the spaces filled, all cars could do is u-turn the other way. More individuals arrived as time passed. I watched from my window at the chaos, hoping to see an orange head peak through before entering the door. I did not see him at this time, to which one could see my relief now.

Kevin sat on the coffee table near the fiasco. Lazy as always, yet lucky for me, he wore his baseball uniform as a costume. Laughing at the childish antics in front of him, he wobbled forward and back. I did not see Nazz near them, which was surprising. After his giggling had become a low roll, he too let his vision fall into the ocean of people, until he found me. A devious grin snuck onto his face, he blinked slowly, seemingly stuck in slow-motion. I observed him pull his collar and check his surroundings, finding that those in the vicinity were preoccupied. He was free and escaped.

Kevin slid off the table with ease and molded into the crowd. I continued forward, hoping to meet in the center. Getting through was almost impossible. People latched onto one another with the idea of never letting go. I felt hands and body parts glide over my own form, hot, sticky sweat and warm air all together as a package. I was not comfortable with being thrown about, however, when I began to feel and on occasion smell the hot breath from those enveloping me, I began to feel trapped. Space was not respected by anyone. Only when I realized familiar freckled fingertips reaching for my torso, did my anxiety begin to rest. Though at first, I jumped in fear of the deliberate, delicate, and intricate touch reaching for me. I didn’t want to getaway, yet my stomach felt so uneasy. I figured it was him, however the possibility that it wasn’t horrified me. My eyesight looked up to the owner of the hands that rest on my hips, I worried for nothing.

The song ended just in time for his greeting. “Hey…” The second he opened his mouth to speak, I recognized a strong scent of liquor. I couldn’t hear him over the next song starting, yet I assumed he was mumbling to begin with. I hadn’t seen Kevin drunk in months and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.

With obvious bravery, he gripped my sides and pulled me closer, his expression never faltering. I could not deny he appeared irresistible in his get up.  His gaze locked with mind, letting me know each action he made was purposeful and demented. Was doing this to me on purpose? Our sternums pressed together and I came to the conclusion that he was not thinking clearly. Again, that smirk pulled me back. His expression matched his uniform with perfection. I studied his face, noticing each freckle and how it paved into his milky skin. Next, how his eyes continued to fight closing, his eyebrows slanted together while his lips curled up. Finally, he let his eyelids rest and I found myself staring into negative space. The music continued overhead, I felt people all around us bump and shove, relinquishing control. Kevin began to do the same, eyes occasionally half-lit yet determined, he bit his lip, and pulled me forward, encouraging me to follow his motions. His palms found refuge above my backside, kneading into the fabric. His hips pushed forward and threw mine back. I felt my rear collide into another. Energy transferred like electricity.

Something peculiar switched within me, a drive to melt into him as he was so desperately trying with me. Suddenly, I understood each twitch of his fingers, and the desperation in his step. At an instant, everything made too much sense.

I mimicked his movements, seeking the satisfying fury that he lit within me. A match with kerosene, and I was prepared for the worst expectations as long as he remained my guide.

“So weak when you’re around me…” He cooed in my ear while rocking against me, firmly pressed against my person. I struggled to breathe, yet knew I was safe with him. My eyes closed, and I isolated myself among the group. All I could hear, all I could feel, all I could anticipate, was Kevin.

His hips thrust into mine with the upbeat song, leading my form with him into a blissful state. The vibrations that coursed through my body, both from the song and his form rocking into my own flooded my nerves. I hadn’t quite felt something like this before. Combined with his sensual whispers and singing of the lyrics, I felt heat resonate in my core. “Cause if I don't got you then I got nobody…” His last motion involved taking the snapback cap that was connected to his belt loop, removing it, and then placing it firmly on my own head.

What did he mean, or what was he trying to say to me? I felt confused by his actions, so sudden and powerful, yet passionately fueled. Why suddenly, especially after the tantrum from earlier, was he so keen on proving public affection? The situation rang too peculiar for my liking, to which I saw others also thought once the song had reached its final seconds and I opened my eyes, finding that my peers had created a small circle surrounding us and had observed the entire scene unfold.

Kevin smiled against my neck, before letting go of my form and in a quick flash turned away. He coughed once, then vomited enough bile to fill a small trash bag. He doubled over again and dry heaved, finally before falling over next to his innards and losing consciousness.

This is how the party ended, and how I spent Halloween night with Eddy, Eddy’s mother, my mother, and Kevin’s mother in the waiting room of the emergency room.


	9. "We need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 2/15/19 @ 11:51 AM – The fact I hate hospitals is oxymoronic bc we go to the hospital when we are sick and fearful of death therefore I despise what is, in theory, supposed to keep me alive.  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

_This is how the party ended, and how I spent Halloween night with Eddy, Eddy’s mother, my mother, and Kevin’s mother in the waiting room of the emergency room._

 

            An excessive amount of alcohol intake can lead to adverse effects. Kevin should have been aware of this fact, yet I sympathized with his lack of judgement. His mother was not so understanding, and mine, well, she was more concerned than anything.

            I called her directly after Kevin lost consciousness, while Eddy dialed 911, realizing that he could potentially experience consequences if he did not act. I quite unsure of what else my options were, though I knew I wanted to support my love.

            Kevin’s mother paced in the waiting room while waiting for the ambulance to arrive with her son. She had questioned me in the car, while my mother drove, but there was not much I could say to calm her fears. Kevin was well over drunk, that aspect was obvious, but I was unaware of the specifics. I did not know if anything had been placed into his drink. I realized I was unaware. She asked me why I had been the individual involved, which was a difficult statement to answer compared to the rest. I knew why we were together, however I could not directly explain without outing Kevin, which was not what I desired. The other inquiries were easier to answer due to my own lack of knowledge. She continued to pry until I awkwardly expressed that we were dancing. I figured this statement would immediately be our demise, yet instead all she had to say was, “Maybe he exerted too much energy.” I was in the clear, for now.

            Hospitals are busy places by nature. Since we arrived at a prime time of night, this only increased the magnitude of people rushing from station to station, loud noises, and fear. We sat in the emergency room, checking ever minute to see if Kevin Barr had arrived. Finally, after about five minutes, we were informed that he had arrived, was conscious, and stable.

            Relief washed over the three of us, but there was a greater push to see him. It was another five minutes before they allowed only two to enter at a time. My mother told me to go first. Silently, I thanked her, and moved forward.

            Kevin’s mom had forgot shoes and pearly white, cotton sleeves protected her feet from the chilling tile. I hadn’t changed from the gathering and the sound of my heels colliding with the floor echoed in the halls. Kevin had been placed into section ten. In eleven, there was a large, overweight male who struggled to breathe despite having an oxygen mask. The doctor was interrogating him. _“Have you done any drugs in the past few days, like cocaine, meth-.”_

 _“Just a little meth – we got stupid.”_ My breath hitched and a warning chill crossed over my spine. Section nine’s curtain was closed, yet inside you could hear a screaming toddler, potentially who put something too far in their nose. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened at the commotion.

Kevin’s eyes were opened while we approached him, a nurse was adjacent to his bed, handing him a small cup with clear fluid, I suspected it was water. “Kevin! Kevin! My baby!” His mom shouted just a little too loud. The ginger tilted his head slowly, glancing forward and away from the medical assistant. His gaze locked with mine and I recognized his mouth curl up into a slight smile.

            “Hi mom, hi Edd.” He gasped. A small tube of oxygen ran under his nose and into his nostrils. He appeared tired and hazed.

            “I’m his mother!” She flashed him her wallet, which included a compilation of embarrassing photos and her identification. “What happened!” Demanding answers, she addressed the nurse while her right hand gently caressed Kevin’s scalp. I stood next to her on the right, primarily filling space.

            On the opposite side, the nurse began to explain what he could. “He came in with suspected alcohol poisoning, originally unconscious, but he came to just after entering the ambulance. Two emetic episodes later and now he’s here. His vitals need to stabilize before he leaves, but he is on an IV and we are monitoring his condition further.” This confirmation calmed her motherhood instincts, yet I could still see anxiety resonating off her person. “Kevin, your turn.” Now, with reassurance she scowled at her son, determining how to address the situation and his misbehavior.

            Realizing he was now invading on personal matters, the nurse wandered off to assist with the next patient. Kevin sighed, taking a few deep breaths. “I was at a party, there was alcohol.”

            He wasn’t telling her what she wanted to hear. “No Kevin, tell me why? You’re not even near legal age!”

            His cheeks tinted a light pink and he avoided eye contact. I too wondered why. In the past I hadn’t known Kevin to become severely intoxicated, why did he this time?

            After a minute of silence, Kevin exhaled again and looked back and forth between me and his birth giver. After this cycle reoccurred about three times, he spoke. “I was nervous, I thought drinking would help.”

            “For what reason were you nervous!”

            The pigment of his cheeks flared a deeper shade. Another minute of silence passed while he thought. We waited patently for him to catch his breath. “Because . . .” His eyes met mine once more. My lips curled and delivered a pleasant and supportive expression. He appreciated the gesture, which was shown in his own smile. “I have a boyfriend – who was there, and I was nervous about being in public.”

            His confession left me wide eyed and surprised. It was unexpected, not that I was distraught with the honesty. I was just appalled he had a sense of new-found bravery, perhaps a result of the fear of dying.

            “Kevin…” His mom caressed his cheek, around the oxygen of course, and then glanced back to me. “Son you are horrible with confidentiality, who was that supposed to fool?”

            I watched his chest heave while he chuckled and coughed and his face flushed bright red. Mine matched, and we illuminated together “Don’t make me laugh!” He complained, “My throat already hurts.”

            “Maybe you’ll make better choices next time so that won’t happen!” She snapped back, then turned to face me once more. “And besides, anyone who deserves you will accept you for the way you are!” My smile grew wider.  

He didn’t explain he was more concerned about our peers, though it was obvious. She was understanding that he needed some time to rest and afterwards her insight regarding punishment would decide his fate. I could tell she was well aware her son was participating in adult themes, such as drinking, though his responsibility had never been so careless. He needed to understand how to take care of himself. She left us to ‘talk.’

I reminder myself we were in a medical facility. However, this thought did not stop me from pouncing forward onto his person and enveloping him in a warm hug. Embarrassment began to flood down his skin all over, as did mine, and my heart ached. Passionately, I connected our lips in a moderately long embrace that I wasn’t sure he wanted to share. Regardless, he kissed back with an equal pressure that confirmed his feelings. I was not a used rag tossed to the side. I wasn’t even a clean rag, or a rag at all. I was an individual with desires that Kevin deemed necessary to resolve. He had sensed my antsy needs and so perfectly addressed them. He was unreal and nearly resembled a deity. For some reason, in that moment he felt ready and I was quite thankful. In fact, I felt more than appreciated, I was self-realized, my role in his life had became clear so quickly, and my concerns fizzled away, even if for just that night, I felt pleased and relaxed.

We were interrupted by the heart monitor beating abruptly. Pace quickened as did the beeps, I opened my eyes, frightened, and saw Kevin looking forward, petrified. The background still surrounded us with shrieks, but I ignored the noise and turned around, coming to face my own mother and next to her, Eddy.

 **“We need to talk.”** They both said in unison, as if it was planned. Though they appeared surprised, I wondered his mother had alerted mine. In addition, I wondered why and how Eddy had managed to get here! My form reluctantly left Kevin’s bedside as I shamefully crawled off the cot.

Nurses ran to section ten, but politely waited for my person to leave before they further examined Kevin. Perhaps it was reasonable that his heart rate increased from an extreme socially waning situation. I wasn’t worried about Kevin anymore. Now my own fears were directed at myself.

 

Once you’ve known Eddy as long as I have, it is unrealistic to believe he would ever relate to a parental or authority figure. At this moment, his actions proved me wrong. We could not leave the hospital as Kevin and his mother needed a ride home. Then Eddy was dropped off by Rolf after they quickly shut the party down. Therefore, he was also needing a ride home. I sat in the backseat with Eddy, while my mother sat on the driver side. They were questioning me, I imagined Kevin was also receiving the third degree.

“Why didn’t you tell Ed or I bro?” Eddy was laid back, though it was evident in his visage that he was disappointed. It felt strange to disappoint Eddy.

“I didn’t know specifically how.” This was the truth, there wasn’t a perfect answer for revealing my questioning sexuality. Even more so I couldn’t explicitly discuss Kevin for it wasn’t my place to. What was I to do?

“How long?” I was amazed at how silent my mother was while Eddy continued to interrogate me. When I didn’t immediately respond, his eyes widened. “No! Don’t tell me… the hickey…?”

Now this caught my mother’s attention, “Excuse me?”

 

Flustered, I glared at Eddy in annoyance. He shrugged. My head hit the back of the seat, what had I gotten myself into?


	10. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 3/21/19 I am not dead – though I feel quite dead.  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

After Kevin had been discharged, about an hour later, we made our way back to the vehicle. Kevin walked next to his mother, shame in his steps as she was beginning to explain the depth of his punishment. I walked beside Eddy, who had a newfound interest in my life now that he knew who my sexual conquests were with. I heard the asphalt crack and move as we continued, wondering how the rest of the night would unfold. I was satisfied that Kevin was okay, yet upset he had lost self-awareness, making poor decisions that would not only negatively affect his own life but those around him as well, such as his mother, who was worried to sickness at the thought of her only son being lost or damaged. Though she had seemed aware that his behavior was not new, I wondered if he would be reprimanded as insinuated? My thoughts strayed and more questions dabbled into my consciousness. Was she aware of his, well, our sexual promiscuity?

 

To say I was embarrassed would be a complete understatement. I wanted to crawl in a sixty-foot hole, submerge myself deep into the crust of the earth and become one with the stratum.

 

Eddy had other plans, which involved silently badgering me with all of the questions he could mutter under his breath. I answered none of them, mostly because my mother was a foot away and was probably fully aware of each word that came from his mouth. Eventually, to put myself out of misery I told him that he would hear from me later. Finally taking the hint, he nodded to me and winked. The atmosphere in the car was heavy and silent, most likely due to the unspoken notion that we were all doomed.

Despite the events of the night leading to the end of my existence, Eddy made me a promise. Unlike those of the past, I trusted he would keep the secret to himself. He had done the same with Kevin and Nazz, therefore I knew he was capable. What did he have to gain by revealing information about me but not Kevin? There was a strange understanding, as if he knew what I knew, and now I was tangled up in a web of lies. To tell one would perpetuate the release of all. He wasn’t willing to risk that.

As we pulled into the Cul-de-sac, one thought cycled through my head respectively. Why was he so willing to keep Kevin’s secret? Was this just a ploy to keep Nazz, or was there something underling the situation? Was he so manipulative to force Nazz into a relationship?

“Hey, I’ll talk to you Monday morning.” Eddy stated to me. I watched him bite his lower lip, holding back a chuckle. He glanced over to Kevin, who didn’t turn to look back at us, instead he followed his mother steadily. As he saw me staring, he let a small laugh escape. “Good luck by the way.”  The edges of his mouth forming the smile retreated, and with a neutral expression he glared at me. “You’ll need it.” Without another word, Eddy began his strut towards his own house. I swallowed hard, what was he trying to say? Was that a warning?

 

The longer I remained with Kevin, the more trouble I could expect to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 3/21/19 I’m looking for a conversational buddy, someone who enjoys kevedd and companionship.
> 
> Hit up my discord, qu33rios #5073


	11. Chapter 11: Immaturity vs Invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 3/30/19 OMG. Did I update twice in a month? And its more than 3 pages? So I can happily say that I’ve actually planned an ending to this story! I;ve also planned the next chapters! I’m super thrilled! This may be the first story with 5+ chapters that I’ve ever completed.  
> Warnings: Content not suited for audiences under 17.

It had been some time since I had seen my mother so disappointed in me. Not only had I neglected to tell her the truth, but I engaged in behavior that would have gotten me in trouble with authorities. That night, we stayed up together and talked through many of her concerns and my own as well.

Though I was grounded for the first time since middle school, having a safe space to express my thoughts was helpful. This permitted me to express some of my own concerns. I was quite uncomfortable with the situation at first, but finally, after what had seemed like such a long time, I had someone to talk to.

“Edd, I know you are growing up into a young adult, but I worry about you. You have to think about your future, and the people you associate with.” We sat down in the kitchen, despite being in the early depths of the morning, neither of us could sleep with the previous and still creeping events of the night. Our kitchen light was blinding white, and flickered occasionally. I made a mental note that we would need to change it soon.

“I understand.”

She sighed. “I’m unsure of how to talk to you Eddward. It seems like you have gone through so much already. You’ve already been hurt by so many people, I don’t want you to be abused by others.” I watched tears began to collect in the corner of her eyes. My stomach plummeted, had I really made my mother cry?

“M-Mom, I’m sorry.”

She stopped me. “Don’t apologize Eddward. I just, I need you to talk to me. I know you don’t talk to your father – he isn’t even here right now. I want to know you are comfortable with us – me, I just don’t know how to be a good parent to you.”

Her truth stung in my ears, how could I react? What could I even think? “I – I’m sorry, I…” Was this my fault? Her own feeling on inadequacy and my father’s lack of presence in my life?

“Please – Please start from the beginning. Tell me how this happened, what you’ve been engaging in. I want to know – I need to know so we can ensure you are protected..”

 _Protected_ … The word bounced back and forth in my head, what did she mean, protected? Was she worried that I was possibly at risk of infection? Or….

“I – uh,” I swallowed hard, “we’ve only done anal sex.” I felt like my innards were going to come up along with my stomach acid.

“Eddward – please start from the beginning. The beginning, beginning. How did you meet him? When did you know you were…? What even are you?”

The stinging in my chest felt eternal.  “Okay… uh… I don’t know?” When did I know what I was? “I’ve always known, even when I was smaller, that I just, I just wasn’t comfortable presenting as feminine.” She gave me a perplexed look, I knew I had to translate. “I wasn’t comfortable being a girl, I didn’t like my name, I didn’t want to be forced into places that I didn’t want to –”

“Edd, I know this already, I didn’t mean go that back, unless you want to.” She gave me a warming smile, one that reminded I didn’t need to be afraid.

“Okay. Nazz had a party last summer. I helped her set up, Kevin was there and, he was being really flirtatious, I had no idea how to react. I just panicked.”

“Isn’t Kevin dating Nazz?”

I shook my head. “No, they broke up last spring I guess. But they’re been friends, and now she’s dating Eddy.”

“Wow, Eddy?” She looked surprised, I couldn’t blame her. “I thought Nazz was classier than that.”

“Mom, Eddy isn’t bad. I know he has his shortcomings, and quite frankly he has made some poor decisions, well, a couple poor decisions, but he and Nazz seem to be happy.”

She nodded. “Alright, my apologies, please continue.”

“I didn’t know what to feel, or how to feel… Whenever Nazz has parties I always help out but I usually end up in her room with a book, but this time, Kevin found me and uh…”

“What happened then Eddward?”

I felt my cheeks turn red at just the thought of the night. “We drank a little, but we didn’t become inebriated, we started talking, about all these different topics. He told me about his breakup, and, I told him that I’m trans.”

Her eyes softened and her lips curled into a gentle grin. “How did he react Edd?”

Now it was my turn to grin, “He didn’t care, in fact he doesn’t mention it often. He respects that I don’t want others to know.”

“That’s wonderful Edd!” She maneuvered over to hug me for a short minute before sitting back at the table. “But now, I need you to answer some questions for me. Be honest, and after we can talk about your punishment.”

I nodded. Yikes.

“When did you first have sex, did he use a condom?”

Oh no. I closed my eyes, there was no way I could make eye contact. ‘That night, and uh, I can’t remember, but it was uh, anal penetration.”

“Regardless, you need to be using a condom Edd. We’ve taught you better than that! Do you use condoms often?”

 **Shit.** “N-No…”

“Edd! Have you been tested? How do you know if he is clean! How often do you both have intercourse!”

“S-Sorta often and uh, h-He told me that he and Nazz hadn’t had sex before, so I thought that-”

She quickly stood, I sensed the anger in her movements. “No! That is not good enough. You cannot trust that! You need to be tested soon!”

“If I can’t trust that how can I trust he’ll keep my secret!” I didn’t mean to yell, but I felt my heart rate increasing rapidly.

“Don’t you know trans people are of greater risk for sexually transmitted infections! I thought we taught you this Eddward!”

“No!” I sighed. “You didn’t. And they school didn’t. I’ve never even heard my teachers say trans other than to degrade us.”

To say my mother looked appalled would be an understatement. “But you had sex education! What did they teach you!”

“Not about gay couples. Or transgender couples, anything that wasn’t heteronormative was ignored. I never thought I would have sex to begin with. I didn’t care that I wasn’t being taught about it.”

“Of course you cared Eddward.” Her tone softened, “You’ve always cared about the quality of education you’ve received.”

This could not get worse.

“Look Edd, I’m just concerned about you because I love you! You’re my only child, my son. I’ve watched you grow so much in such a short period of time and I get so afraid that people will use and abuse you. I want you to be educated about your rights as a human but -”

“You’re not even sure if I have rights to begin with.”

“Title IX only goes so far, unless our congress works to ensure your safety I don’t know what your future will be like. So many transgender people are murdered, tortured, look at Kirsten Beck! She was a navy seal, yet still a group was able to approach her and attack from behind, and people did nothing! I worry that will be you someday.”

“I know mom, I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize! There is nothing wrong with who you are. You will always be my handsome, intelligent, young boy,” She had moved to embrace me once more, I could hear the tears peak from her eyes as they did mine. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know… I’ll be more careful.”  
            She nodded, a few minutes passed where both of us enjoyed the hug and the silence. I didn’t know why she had suddenly decided to be so open to me, not to say I hated it, but I was certainly uncomfortable. Obviously she was attempting to strengthen our communication, but how was scaring me about STI’s supposed to drive us closer?

“Are you out at school? As, gay? Or?”  
            “We aren’t out.” I stated. “Kevin doesn’t want to be, or at least I thought he didn’t but now I’m not so sure… He sounded like he was going to ask me to go to the Winter Formal with him, but then Marie came up and it was like he and I weren’t even talking.”

“That must have hurt.”  
            “Yeah it did. I don’t understand. I don’t know what he has to lose?”

She sighed, moving away to make eye contact. I did my best to avoid it. “He risks exactly what you do! I know gender and sexuality are not snynomous, but you don’t want to come out and neither does he, you can’t force it, you just have to accept it.” She moved back in for another hug. I was beginning to feel a little smothered.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just annoying, he wants to have sex all the time but he can’t even comfortably hold my hand in public”

 

“Edd… Oh Edd…” She smiled. “You’re really growing up…” I felt an awkward chill crawl up my spine, I knew I was going to be in for it. “I think Kevin and his parents should have dinner with us next weekend.”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, please. If there is a god, some higher deity? Buddha? Krishna? Allah? Please? “I don’t think -”

“No I have made up my mind!” She broke away, moving to the calendar, most likely to write a reminder to go over to Kevin’s later in the week. “This way Kevin’s parents will be able to voice their concerns about their son as well. They don’t have to know that you aren’t cisgender.”

Why is she doing this! With no other reasonable reaction, I collided my head into the table.

“Stop being overdramatic! Kevin’s mom really loved you!”

So many thoughts ran through my head. I couldn’t contain them all. “What was she supposed to do! She thought Kevin was in a coma caused by intoxication! Of course, she barely cared about my existence! Her son was alive! You can’t just make them -”

“Enough! You are not a child and you do not bicker with me! What has gotten into you Eddward? You’ve never been so immature.”

_You’ve never invaded my life with such intent to destroy the relationships I construed!_

“Speaking of Kevin and your behavior, you need to know this is unacceptable! You are not allowed to drink and I will not tolerate you engaging in that behavior! Your life will deteriorate quickly.” She tapped her foot on the tile, another event that drove my anxiety sky high. “I know you are responsible, or you have been in the past, so I will not outlaw you from being with your friends, but Nazz’s parents need to know what goes on when they aren’t home! They could get in serious trouble. And Eddy’s mom should also know! Her son is way too young to be getting drunk! All of you are way too young.”

I didn’t dare open my mouth to explain that I never drank before.

“I know teenagers will be teenagers, but this neighborhood is getting out of control! You need to be reminded that you are not an adult yet and therefore you can’t just act randomly without thinking of your own health! Every choice you make needs to have a purpose, and that purpose should be geared towards a positive future and your success.”

“I know.”

“Don’t I know me! That will get you a longer sentence. Right now, you are grounded until Christmas. No hanging out with friends! You will go to school and come home. And next week, we are making an appointment to see a gynecologist.” My eyes widened in absolute terror. “You need to get tested, don’t worry I will be there! It might be a smart idea to look at birth control, you know some people still become pregnant while on testosterone.”

“Mom seriously don’t do that! I don’t want that! Please!”

‘Well that’s unfortunate Eddward, but this is what happens when you sneak around and tell lies. They never work in your favor. Now tell me about this hickey Eddy was blabbering about, you know those are dangerous too!.”

 

I was never one to appeal to cursing or any kind of lewd language. However, at this point in time, I felt like there was not a better phrase that represented my exact feelings: **Fucking kill me.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Comments encouraged! Let me know what ya'll thought of this chapter. Where is the story going to go? What do you expect or want to happen?


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